The Only Smell That's Better Than Cigarettes Is Coffee
by hellointernet
Summary: At least it is in Hijikata's opinion. But it doesn't explain Hijikata's obsession with this mediocre coffee shop. The obsession that had nothing to do with the attractive white-haired barista. Not one bit.
1. Chapter 1

_The Coffee Shop AU. Mostly the 'I've spelt/mispronounce your name wrong and you get your revenge by mispronouncing my name and this escalates until we like each other' sort of AU.  
_

 _Background: Gintoki, Catherine and Tama work in Otose's coffee shop. Shinpachi, Otae and Kagura do part time there. Hijikata is the customer._

* * *

The bell jingled when Hijikata entered the simple shop.

It was recommended by Kondo-san. The CEO had told him that the coffee here was great, definitely to the taste of Hijikata's. But the way the man had continued to gush about the pretty barista and her gorgeous brown hair and brown eyes made Hijikata think the coffee was merely moderate.

Still, the shop was very conveniently placed on the corner near the bus station Hijikata used for work and it didn't hurt to try something new, right?

* * *

Despite the shop being fairly new in the area, there were a lot of customers. The current barista taking orders was a white haired man in a red sweater. White haired young man.

Hijikata briefly wondered if the man dyed it to look cool before he took a look around. There was no sign of Kondo-san's pretty barista. No brown haired, pink blouse-wearing barista.

The dark haired took his time surveying the menu before settling on the classic hot Americano. He ordered his drink and gave his name.

"Right, Hijitaka Ootoru," the white haired hurriedly scribbled on the cup. His ears aren't _that_ bad, right?

Toushirou scoffed. "It's Hijikata Toushirou."

But all he got were a pair of deadfish eyes and a "Right, right. Next!"

Stupid perm head.

When his order came, the white haired called out 'Hijitaka Ootoru' _again_. And Hijikata, because he was a mature adult of course, took his coffee and groused, "It's Hijikata Toushirou, Gin _toke_."

The white haired startled and shouted, "It's _toki_. _Gintoki!_ "

Hijikata flipped him the bird and stepped out of the shop. On his cup was a messy chicken scratched _'Hijitaka Ootoru.'_

* * *

The next day, he was back at the shop. "One hot Americano. Hijikata Toushirou."

He only came back to see if the girl that had Kondo-san in hots was in. That's all. Not because he was mad at the white haired barista. Or find him attractive in the white shirt with his sleeves rolled up to the forearms. Definitely not finding that attractive.

"Right. Bijitaka Toushino."

Besides, the coffee here wasn't so bad. It was the… fifteenth best coffee he had.

"That's not my name."

Only because he wanted to see Kondo-san's crush. And fifteenth best coffee. That's all.

"Please wait for your order over at that counter."

…

"One coffee for Bijitaka!"

"It's Hijikata."

"Thank you for your patronage."

"…thanks, Kintoke."

He doesn't see the smirk on the white haired's face.

* * *

He was back again for the eighth day in a row.

It wasn't because he wanted to see Gintoki again. There was no way he was attracted to the bastard. No matter how he looked in the slim fit shirt today.

It was the coffee. The fifteenth best coffee, after all.

"One Americano for Bakataka-san?"

"Where did baka come from?!"

"Maybe your face?" Gintoki said as he tore the receipt off.

Hijikata growled. "Thanks for the change, _Bintaku_."

* * *

"Ah, it's Bijikutsu Tanabata-kun! Hot Americano again?" Gintoki greeted him.

Hijikata glowered and was tempted to change his order. But he wasn't a big fan of coffee with milk. "Yeah. And it's _Hijikata Toushirou – get my name right, dammit!_ "

"Here's your change. And please wait for your coffee over there."

"One day," here Hijikata liked to believe that he very coolly pointed his finger at the man "I'll make you remember my name."

"And wouldn't that be a memorable day," the barista leered. Hijikata flushed and hurriedly turned away.

…

"Here's your order, Mister. I'll Make You Remember My Name."

Hijikata stiffly said, "Thanks, Gotoro."

"My _pleasure_." Toushirou missed the wink Gintoki sent his way.

* * *

"I have a question," he said as he got his order.

"Ooo. Would you look at that! Hiji-billy finally has something he doesn't know," Gintoki whistled.

"Who the fuck is Hiji-billy? And I don't act like I know everything," Hijikata huffed. Then just to make sure, "Do I?"

"Well, with your normal pissy expression and acting like you're all high and mighty with a stick up your arse…," the other trailed off.

"I don't act high and mighty! And nor do I have a stick up my arse."

"Uh-huh. But sure, you can ask your question."

The fucking bastard. "Do you always take orders and hand them out like this?"

"Huh? Wasn't really what I expected."

"What did you expect?"

Gintoki stopped to ponder for a while. "Well, for starters, more in terms of a girlfriend or my phone number."

Hijikata furrowed his brows. "Why would I ask about your girlfriend or your phone number?"

The other's eyes widened. "Seriously? You haven't realized what we've been doing?"

At Hijikata's confused expression, he added, "With the names? Bijibaka? Hiji-billy?"

"No?" What _have_ they been doing with the names? Gintoki was an annoying ass who made sure to he got Hijikata's name wrong every time he took the order. An attractive ass, but still an ass.

And Hijikata made sure to get his revenge on the man.

Gintoki let out a groan. "I can't believe you… you're such a dense motherfucker. You know what? You can guess the answer to your own question. Maybe I do, maybe I don't."

And he left.

What the fuck did Hijikata do?

* * *

The next day, Gintoki was gone. An expressionless girl, Tama, took his order. He offered her a smile – more like a grimace – and in return, got a robotic quirk of her mouth.

There's only Tama and another woman working but his order came without delay. Tama worked quickly.

On his cup was his name, spelt correctly, in crisp, precise handwriting.

* * *

 _So I'm back on FF. The original AU idea was from a pic of a tumblr post and I just kind of rolled from there. Haven't a slightest idea about working in a coffee shop so this might be a bit weird. Hopefully the characters aren't too OOC. And there's probably a few mistakes on grammar and whatnot. Sorry for that._

 _Thanks for reading! Hope you guys enjoyed it. Feedback is always appreciated._


	2. Chapter 2

_FYI, Sakamoto is a pilot and drops in on Gintoki sometimes._

* * *

"Hello, how may I help you?"

Gintoki was back. Hijikata didn't know why he immediately felt lighter. Those forearms were nice. Maybe that was why.

Not that he was attracted to _Gintoki._

"You know my order, asshole."

Hijikata narrowed his eyes. Was it okay to ask where he was the other day?

"Right I do, Bijutsu-san."

Maybe not. Or maybe it was.

"Who the hell's Bijutsu?!"

It wouldn't be weird to ask if Gintoki was mad the other day. Right?

"Here's your change."

What even was the social standards to ask these questions? What was he and Gintoki? Barista and customer? Friends? Frienemies?

"Were you mad the other day?" Hijikata blurted.

"What other day?" the other tilted his head.

"The other day! The day before yesterday."

"Ah, Hiji-billy day."

"It's not Hiji-billy day! It was Wednesday."

Gintoki laughed.

"Why were you mad the other day?"

"Was I mad the other day?"

The dark haired was ready to explode. "Yes, you were! You were mad because I asked that question and somehow, something got fucked up."

"Ooo. Now who's mad?" the other sing-songed. Goddammit. Did he really have to deal with this? Why couldn't Gintoki just answer the question properly like a normal person would do?!

"I'm not mad."

"Uh-huh. You're holding up the line. Sooo… unless you wanna leave your phone number or something so we can talk this out at another time…." Gintoki spread his hands and shrugged.

"Why would I do that? If you don't want to talk about it, then don't."

There was a pause then Gintoki sighed. " _This_ is why I was mad. Now shoo. You're holding up the line."

Toushirou stepped aside and frowned. The white haired was mad because he was holding up the line? That doesn't even make sense.

Gintoki didn't hand him his drink today.

* * *

The next day, the white haired smiled and mispronounced his name as always.

"Here's your order, Hijack-kun. Thank you for your patronage."

"Right, Kintoki."

He totally didn't expect the "OI! Tama! Did you hear that?! _Kintoki?_ Do you think he met Sakamoto?!"

Hijikata didn't know who the fuck Sakamoto was but if he was getting Gintoki's name wrong too, that made him a friend of Hijikata's.

On his cup was, once again, a scratchy, messy _'Hijack-kun'_.

* * *

Hijikata took that back. Sakamoto was _not_ a friend of Hijikata.

"AH HAHAHAHAHAHA! Kintoki! You're hilarious as always!" The sound came from the tall, sunglasses wearing, permy-headed man sitting on the counter in front Gintoki.

Ugh, another perm head.

"It's Gintoki. And get off the counter! You're disturbing the customers." Gintoki pushed the large man off. He looked at Hijikata and waved.

Hijikata grimaced.

"This is Sakamoto. I mentioned him to you last time."

"You didn't mention him to me. You mentioned him to Tama." Hijikata wasn't sure what to make of him remembering this tidbit of information.

He remembered Tama because she was always behind Gintoki fixing the drinks (even though they've never spoke to each other except that one time). Plus, Sakamoto was mentioned yesterday. It was only natural that he would remember it, right? He can't remember what he had for dinner but he remembered the name Sakamoto. That wasn't so weird. Right?

"Yeah, but you still heard it so it counts as mentioning it to you."

"Who says?" Hijikata challenged.

"I do. Anyway, Sakamoto, meet King Grumpy, Jarkarta Tootsie-Roll."

"OI! Where's Jarkarta coming from?" He'd be smacking the other man on the head if the counter wasn't between them. "And I don't want to meet your friends. I'm not your friend."

"Yeah well, I didn't choose to be this guy's friend either." The white haired jerked a thumb to Sakamoto.

Instead, Hijikata turned to Gintoki's friend. "It's Hijikata Toushirou. And I'm not grumpy."

"AH HAHAHAHA!" Hijikata winced. "Nice to meet you, grumpy Tissue-Roll-kun. I'm Sakamoto Tatsuma."

It felt like his arm was going to be ripped off with the handshake.

"It's _Toushirou_." Was Toushirou a hard name to remember? Was it really that hard? Hijikata Toushirou? He was sure there were numerous other people named Toushirou and they all had nice baristas who said their names right.

"Alright, Wet-Tissue-kun. See ya, Kintoki. I have a flight to catch. Well, pilot. AH HAHAHAHA!"

And with a wave, the loudmouth was gone.

The dark haired scoffed. "How the fuck did he get Wet-Tissue from Toushirou?"

* * *

"You don't need to introduce me to your friends," Hijikata muttered as he took out his money.

"Well, good morning to you too, grumpy pants."

"I'm not your friend."

"Right. Of course we're not friends." Gintoki's eyes flickered to him. Then he did a ridiculous eyebrow wiggle that _definitely_ suggested something more. "Because I never remember your name anyway, Hijinks-tara."

"Who's Hijinks-tara, huh?!"

…

"Here's your order, Tara-san."

"Who the fuck is Tara, you bastard?!"

"Whoops, sorry. I meant Tanya."

"If my name is Tanya, th-then you're – you're Ginko. Like the Gingko nuts. Because that's wh-what you are. Nuts!"

Hijikata stormed out as Gintoki laughed at his back.

* * *

 _Heyy. Thanks for all the reviews! I'm so glad that people like this AU since I wasn't even sure half of what I wrote made sense. More characters will probably be appearing in the later chapters. I seriously wasn't expecting this to be a multi-chapter story, more of a one-shot._

 _Anyway, enjoy dense Hijikata and hot barista Gintoki. Thanks for reading and feedback is always appreciated!_


	3. Chapter 3

"Welcome. Well, if it isn't that pissy young man," a woman drawled from behind the counter. She looked like a man. A drag queen, maybe. But with thick eyebrows and possibly the worst bowl cut in the history of bowl cuts.

Hijikata frowned. Was she talking to him? It should be him, right? The shop was oddly empty, after all.

"I'm not pissy," he retorted. Okay, his tone did sound pissy. But that was only because he was late for work today.

And yet, he still came to the shop.

He looked around, surprised to see it empty.

"Gintoki's not here today. What can I do for you?"

"One hot Americano." He didn't bother giving his name.

"Don't look so pissy just because that stupid perm head isn't here. You're getting served by the greatest cat burglar in the – "

"Catherine!" An old woman appeared out of nowhere and hit the woman – Catherine – with a magazine. "Don't be rude to our pissy customer."

Hijikata repeated. "I'm not pissy."

"Right, and I'm not Otose," she snorted. "Nice to meet you… Hijikata-san, was it? I'm the manager and owner of the shop."

"You're the manager?"

She raised a brow, like Hijikata was the idiot for not knowing that. "Yes. And?"

"And n-nothing. I just – just, um…" what was he thinking again?

"Just thought _Gintoki_ was the manager?"

"No! No." He never thought Gintoki was the manager. Not once. It seemed too high of a position, too much responsibility and the man wouldn't have accepted it. "Just… I don't know. Wasn't expecting…" crap, he had no way to continue this without offending Otose.

The old lady pursed her lips. "With the way Gintoki behaves – doing whatever he likes – I suppose it'll have anyone thinking he was the manager."

"Right." Awkward silence filled the shop. Where the fuck was his coffee? Did it usually take this long?

"Tch. The idiots who work here can't be trusted with a position of power. This one included," Otose smacked Catherine's head for a good measure. "Anyway, I see you coming quite often. Maybe I should give you something for being a regular?"

"Ah, no thanks."

Huh, he was considered a regular here. He didn't expect that. Although he did come here a lot. Why was he still coming anyway?

"Hot Americano for Mr. Pissy-face."

"I'm not pissy."

Fuck. That took way too long. Now he only had six minutes to get to work.

* * *

"I heard you met the old hag."

"Hag?"

"Otose," Gintoki corrected.

"Oh. Yeah."

"Did she say anything?"

Had she said anything? Hijikata racked his brain but all he could come up with was, "She called me pissy."

"Aside from the obvious."

"It's not obvious. I'm not pissy!"

"It's pretty obvious. But did she say anything else?" Why did Gintoki want to know so much? Did Otose say anything? Nothing, right?

"No?"

At that the white haired let out a sigh of relief. "Good. Well, here's your order, Takasugi-kun." Then he flinched. "Oh wait, that name's already taken. Tanaka-kun then."

"Who the fuck's Tanaka, _Pinko_?" More importantly, who the hell was Takasugi?

* * *

Hijikata was pissed. Beyond pissed. How could those idiots mess up the order? Did they even know basic math?

He reached the front of the line. Gintoki took a glance at him, and then wrote his usual on the cup. At least he didn't have to speak here.

Hijikata glowered and left the line. He continued berating Yamazaki for his incompetence.

A minute later, his conversation was done. His order was not. His order was late.

After what seemed like forever (merely a minute or so), his coffee arrived.

"Have a nice day, Totoro-kun," Gintoki cheerfully called out, the bastard.

"It's Toushirou," he immediately snapped back. He took a sip of scalding hot coffee. "Don't tell me what to do, Gotoku."

It's only an hour into work, when he finished the coffee, that he saw the rather bad doodle of Totoro with the message, 'Don't _stress yourself out. I can see your worry lines.'_

That permy bastard.

* * *

When Hijikata walked out of his apartment building, there was a cat near the door. Now, as he entered the shop, the same damn cat waited outside the door. After following him for fifteen minutes.

"Tick-taka-kun! Why so sour today?" Gintoki grabbed a cup to write his order and today's choice of name as always.

"It's nothing, _Ginpocky_."

"You keep looking at the door. Someone following you?"

"No." How did he even know that? Was Hijikata that obvious? "No one's following me."

"Really? You keep looking back." Then Gintoki craned his neck to look. He frowned. "I don't see anyone, though?"

Might as well say the truth, right? What has he got to lose? Aside from his face. Except he didn't care about that because this is Gintoki, who was just an infuriating ass and nothing more. Right?

"It's – it's a cat," Toushirou admitted. "It's a goddamn tabby cat that followed me for fifteen minutes. It's a stray that recently appeared in my apartment area. And I don't know why but it's waiting outside the door right now."

Out of all the reactions he expected, the white haired's eyes lighting up was not one of them. "A tabby cat? Really? I'm gonna bring it in."

"Are you crazy?" Hijikata hissed. "This is a café. You're not supposed to bring animals in."

"There're pet cafes. And I'm sure the old hag wouldn't mind. The cat might even keep her out of my hair for a while."

And with that, Gintoki left his station, went outside and came back with arms full of a struggling cat. And he had the nerve to grin and say, "Look, it takes after you! So pissy all the time."

"I'm not pissy."

* * *

 _Help! This snowballing to be a bigger snowball. And it wasn't even supposed to be a small snowball. There's a cat in the story because there were like 5 cats following/eyeing me when I went for a walk. And that just gave me a random idea for this story. I don't know if it'll contribute to the plot (if there is one...). But there you go, random tabby cat.  
_

 _Anyway, thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed it! Feedback is always appreciated._


	4. Chapter 4

He met another of Gintoki's friends the other day. A long haired man named Katsura Koutarou. Always declaring ridiculous plans with an air of certainty. Like those plans were actually going to work.

Gintoki needed better friends, that's for sure. Though Hijikata didn't have a say in the other's choice of friends. Because otherwise, it would mean that they (Hijikata and Gintoki) had some kind of relationship aside from barista and customer.

And they don't, despite Gintoki's insistence that they were sort-of friends.

This was how it went:

That day, Gintoki was nowhere to be seen when he entered the shop. In fact, there was no one at the counter. Except the long haired man.

Was it just him or did the shop seemed to have less customers every day? Should he be worried about that?

Toushirou dismissed it because it wasn't his shop and he had no goddamn relationships here anyway.

"Hello. Gintoki's out back getting something. He'll be back to take your order in a bit."

He jumped. He wasn't expecting the man to speak. To him, at least. "Ah, um, right." Such eloquence.

"You look pissed. You must be that man I'm hearing about. Hiji-billy?"

"It's not Hiji-billy." How the fuck does this guy even know that name? "It's Hijikata Toushirou. And I'm not pissed."

"Ah. Sorry, Hijikata-san. Gintoki never tells me things straightforwardly." What was _that_ supposed to mean?

Katsura extended his hand. "I'm Katsura Kotarou. And this," here he gestured towards the floor, "is Elizabeth."

Hijikata directed his gaze towards the floor and out of all things, there was a white duck. On a leash. A white duck with a yellow beak. It might be the duckiest looking duck out of all ducks Hijikata've seen but that wasn't the point.

The point was, there was a goddamn duck on a leash in the middle of the café.

Yeah, Gintoki definitely needed to find better friends. Or better yet, stop introducing them to him. Because him and Gintoki were not friends at all.

"Ah, Zura! Here's the cat," Gintoki came out of the back with a cage.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" Turning to Hijikata, he explained (not that Hijikata asked), "I'm taking the cat. I heard that it followed you to here?"

"Um, yeah." He really wished Gintoki's friends stopped introducing themselves to him. And stopped calling him grumpy or pissy. He wasn't _that_ grumpy/pissy. Was he?

"Awww! She has the cutest paws. Look at that! So soft and pink and sooo squishable!" the long haired man gushed. The duck quacked his agreement. Or his disagreement. What would Hijikata know? He didn't speak duck.

This shop was definitely getting weirder. He should just find another coffee shop.

"We couldn't keep it," Gintoki explained as he wrote down Hijikata's order. "Turns out, Catherine's allergic to cats. Which is weird because I always see her wearing cat ears and what not. Trust me, you do _not_ want to see that."

"Right." Another thing he didn't ask. "My coffee?"

"Keep your pants on, Hitachi-kun," the white haired grumbled as he set to work.

"Who the fuck is Hitachi-kun, you perm head?"

From the side, he heard Katsura whistle and muttered, "Ooo, nicknames." But then again, that guy had an obsession with ducks and paws.

"Should I be worried about your caffeine intake? Are you buying coffee from other shops too? In the mornings, I mean."

"No." Hijikata's statement sounded more like a question. Maybe he _should_ be worried about the shop's lack of customers.

Gintoki mumbled something that sounded like, "Good, you better not be…." But the duck's quack distracted Toushirou and that was that.

"Well, that's my cue to leave!" Katsura declared. Hijikata wondered if he could speak duck and if the duck had said something like 'let's get out of here.' "Good luck, Gintoki. Maybe if you hit him with a brick and get him to sign it, he'll get it."

Hijikata blinked at that. "What?"

"Just so you know, I'm gonna name this cat…," the long haired man paused and looked at Toushirou, "Bangs. Or maybe Bricks. His head looks pretty hard. You could probably bash a brick against it and he'll still – "

Animal cruelty?

"You can leave now, Zura. I'll tell you if your method works. If it does, you can change the cat's name from Bangs to Bricks," Gintoki flapped a hand at his friend.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" And the man, cat and duck left.

Hijikata was so confused. Where did this conversation even go? What was with bangs and bricks?

* * *

He met Gintoki's kids the next day, when he followed Kondo-san after work into the café.

Well, not _his_ kids, per say. But they follow him around the café anyway, so might as well call them _his_ kids. Like a mother duck with her brood of ducklings.

He suddenly had an image of Gintoki's face with a ridiculous pair of beaks and let out a puff of laughter.

He was introduced to the kids – Kagura and Shinpachi – by an overly enthusiastic Gintoki. Shinpachi, it turned out, was Kondo-san's pretty barista's brother. Who was currently beating Kondo-san up in a corner of the café.

Hijikata was suddenly glad he had Gintoki took his order first and didn't meet Otae. Only slightly, but still glad.

Tama was off today. And so was Catherine. He didn't see them this morning.

Shinpachi was welcoming and polite, as a normal waiter should be. Toushirou is a little disappointed, seeing as the others were pretty eccentric. Or maybe that just made Shinpachi even more unique.

Still, it was pretty cute to see Gintoki and his kids. Not that Gintoki was cute. Not at all.

* * *

Hijikata had taken to following Kondo-san to the café after work. It was only because he needed the extra caffeine boost. And he realized that someone needed to haul Kondo-san's injured ass out of the café before he was forcibly kicked out. That was all.

The shop was definitely more crowded in the evening. Maybe this shop wasn't going bankrupt and he just worried for nothing.

The downside to evening visits was that he found Sougo hanging around in the café too. Just when he thought he could escape the brat from one floor down.

So now, Hijikata nursed his coffee in a corner and watched Sougo harass the Chinese looking redhead – one of Gintoki's kids. Katoshi? Katami? Something close to that.

China girl, he dubbed her in his mind.

After a while, he decided that Kondo-san had enough injuries to nurse for today and dragged him out. Gintoki waved and called out, "See ya tomorrow, Gigitata-kun!"

"I'm not coming tomorrow, Kentucky!" he yelled back on a whim.

"EH?! Wait, what?!"

The shop door closed with a jingle.

* * *

Hijikata did go to the shop the next day.

"Well, well. Look who's back today," Gintoki smirked as he adjusted his narrow tie. Toushiroou tried not to stare.

Something was off.

"I'm here for the coffee."

"Of course. Like always." The white haired counted the change and closed the register. "But seriously, don't scare me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like saying you weren't coming."

"Why? Scared you'd lose one of your loyal customers?"

The other squinted at him. "Maybe I _should_ hit you with a brick." Before Hijikata could protest, Gintoki straightened. "You notice anything different?"

Was it the tie? It should be the tie, right? That's the only thing he was noticing right now. Also, Gintoki had nice collarbones.

"Um… the counter?" It was hard to concentrate when the loose tie framed those collarbones. The barista might as well be wearing a bright, red sign saying 'Look here.'

"Close." Gintoki gestured to the side. "Ta da! We added a pastries section."

Hijikata forced his eyes to the side. Indeed there were some sweets albeit sparse.

"We have plain doughnuts, glazed doughnuts, strawberry cake – that was my suggestion – and store bought jelly. Though, I heard that in some countries, they say you can die from eating jelly after drinking coffee."

Well then, he wasn't buying the jelly. "I'll get fat if I eat too many sweets."

Gintoki looked him up and down. Hijikata could feel himself flushing. "I'm sure your physique can handle a slice of cake or two, Hiji-bangs-kun."

"No, thank you." Then as an afterthought, "Perm head."

"Really? They're delicious. Tama made them." Then the other shuddered. "You don't want to know how they're made, but I can guarantee that they're delicious."

"Not sure I trust you," Toushirou mumbled.

"Ouch. Well, at least I tried. The old hag can't tell me off for not trying."

* * *

 _Katsura makes an appearance! And so does Kagura, Shinpachi and Sougo. I'll probably end this in the next chapter or so? Not sure if I want Hijikata to interact with other people more or just end it... what do you guys think?_

 _I don't know about the whole jelly after coffee thing. That's just something I grew up with. Maybe it's just superstition._

 _Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is always appreciated._


	5. Chapter 5

Hijikata learned that Gintoki took a break at around 4: 30 pm. The shop was usually crowded, but not _busy_. The customers liked to mill around in the shop for a bit after getting their coffee but they don't order more.

The kids were the ones running the place, taking orders and getting things ready. As always, Tama was there to help them, working like a never tiring robot.

If Hijikata finished up by time (although, usually that meant he packed the extra work to do at home) and quickly dragged Kondo-san's ass to the café, he could catch Gintoki in the last fifteen minutes of his break. Not that he cared about that.

It was just nice to get a seat before the rush hour came.

The downside to this was, Sougo, the devil's incarnate, was almost always there. Toushirou didn't know what the brat was doing in the café, but he usually left around 6. Kondo-san reported that somehow, the sandy-haired always managed to finish his homework and spend at least ¾ of his time harassing the employees, namely the redhaired girl.

Okita now added Hijikata to his list of people to harass, apparently.

And Toushirou, apparently, now had an afternoon routine. The routine in the mornings was: stand in line, make small talk with Gintoki and call each other names, wait for his coffee and do step two again before leaving and going to work.

The routine in the afternoon was: stand in the longer line, pray it's Shinpachi or Tama taking his order or else he could get killed by Otae or harassed to death by the combo of Kagura and Sougo, wait for his coffee and pray his order doesn't get mixed up or poisoned, take his coffee to an empty table and make sure Kondo-san doesn't get killed immediately, relax and wait for Gintoki to come over (the man always did with the weirdest topics for small talk), and lastly, after Gintoki left, work a bit or make sure Kondo-san and Sougo aren't making too much trouble.

He found that he does a lot of praying in the afternoon. And babysitting. Two activities that he rarely did, unless he was forced to.

However, the weirdest part of the afternoon routines was definitely the talks with Gintoki.

The man always started the conversations with a question. Despite Gintoki being fucking weird Hijikata was somewhat glad that he didn't have to start the conversation or find topics himself.

An example of a conversation with the white haired would be this:

" _What do you think of skim milk?"_

" _Skim milk?"_

" _Yeah. I mean, do you hate it?"_

" _Why would I hate skim milk? More importantly, who has an_ opinion _about skim milk?"_

" _Well, I was watching a show the other day. And one guy from there was talking about how he hated two things: lying and skim milk, which was milk lying about being milk. So…"_

" _So what?"_

" _Well, you looked like a guy who hated lying, so I was just asking about the other thing."_

" _Doesn't that mean that you just wanted to ask me if I hated lying?"_

" _Yeah, but I figured you'd hate lying_ anyway _, so why bother asking."_

"…"

" _So… um, skim milk?"_

"… _I don't like milk in general."_

" _Alright then, Kata-kun. Ah, my break's over, so I'm going to head over and make sure Ka-chan hasn't broken Okita-kun's head. Or vice versa. See ya around."_

See what he meant by weird?

* * *

The next afternoon, his prayers went unanswered. Otae was at the counter and Gintoki and his kids were nowhere to be seen.

Hijikata looked desperately at Tama but she only stared back impassively.

"One hot Americano," he ordered. Then as an afterthought, "Please."

Otae kept smiling, but that smile turned into a scowl as she looked at him. Or behind him, where Toushirou assumed Kondo-san was. Probably making kissy faces but he wasn't about to turn around. Keep your enemy in sight and all.

"One Americano for?" she questioned, though Hijikata was sure everyone here knew him by name. Mostly because Gintoki insisted to introduce everyone to Hijikata.

"Hijikata."

"Ah! Hijikata-san," she exclaimed as she opened her eyes. Otae with her eyes opened was prettier. Or at least, less scary.

She extended her hand. Hijikata, unsure of what to do, shoved his bill at her.

She blinked and that was the moment he realized he fucked up. Otae was going for a handshake but he had shoved money at her like… fuckfuckfuckfuck.

"Ah – " he made to snatch the money back but she was already taking it. "I – I mean – t-that was – "

Otae only smiled at him as she handed him the change. Fuck her eyes were closed now. He was probably going to be beaten up like Kondo-san today. "Gintoki told me about you."

His eloquent response was, "Uh…."

"I can see why now. To use his words, your 'blush is the most exquisite.'"

The fuck? His blush? …he doesn't use make up? He voiced that.

"I don't use make up?"

And he doesn't blush naturally _that_ often, did he?

His cheeks felt warm.

Otae merely tilted her head and Hijikata suddenly felt like a prey. Like a lab rat being scrutinized. Then her smile came back. "He's right, you know. Fun, but really frustrating too. Utmost fun and frustration."

What was she talking about? The job at the café? Was 'he' Gintoki? What was he saying behind Hijikata's back?

"It was nice to meet you, Hijikata-san. Next, please."

* * *

"Good morning," Gintoki called out.

Hijikata strode to the counter. "I don't use make up."

"Huh?" The other stared at him like he grown two heads.

"Yesterday. Otae took my order and she said that you said my 'blush is the most exquisite'. And I don't use make up. Because I'm a guy." He stared at Gintoki determinedly. How could the white haired even think Toushirou used make up? What was _that_ based on?

Gintoki kept staring at him then whispered. "That bitch." He shuddered immediately and muttered, "Should not have said that. Should _not_ have said that."

"Said what?"

The other grinned sharply. "Nothing. Never mind. Right, my bad. Of course you don't use make up because you're a guy."

He handed the cup to Tama.

Hijikata accepted the change and thought of something else. "She also said something was 'utmost fun and frustration.' It seemed like she was talking about the job at the café and said you had the same sentiment about it."

The bell jingled, signaling another customer coming in.

"You should treasure your job. This café's got a nice location and a steady stream of customers. And from what I've seen, you get along with your co-workers. I don't see what's there to be frustrated about."

Gintoki stared at him again. Then he said bluntly, "Customers like you are the cause of my frustration, Bakatako"

Hijikata's jaw dropped. Here he was, giving the man good advice. And what did he get? 'Cause of my frustration' and name calling?

The white haired sighed. "Maybe I _should_ order a brick on eBay."

"What?"

The other ignored him and started serving the other customer.

* * *

 _So this will be going on for a bit longer. I do have an idea of how to end it so it won't be super long. Depends on who else will pop up in the story... if you guys have anyone to come up, just tell me and I'll put it in._

 _On another note, I didn't expect people to actually like the idea of Hijikata getting hit by a brick (but then I did make him really dense... dense enough to think about make up which doesn't really make sense at all... so maybe a brick will help). But since some people do, I'll try to put it in later._

 _Hope you enjoyed this and thanks for reading. Feedback is always appreciated.  
_


	6. Chapter 6

"Are you Hijikata?" A short dark haired man with an eyepatch practically spit out when he came in, the bells jingling.

Okay, he wasn't _that_ short, but this guy was being rude. Hijikata felt it was reasonable to call the rude guy a shorty.

Toushioru turned from the counter. He ignored Gintoki's groan at the back.

"Yes?"

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave this shop right now," were the words coming out as the man strode to the counter.

"Huh?"

Gintoki groaned louder.

"Leave. The. Shop," the guy poked Hijikata's chest with every word.

"Takasugi," the barista started.

Takasugi? Why did that sound familiar?

"You can't just barge into my shop and ask people to leave. That's rude," Gintoki continued. Toushirou agreed wholeheartedly.

"It's Otose's shop, not yours," Takasugi flipped him off.

"You still can't come barging in and asking people to leave."

"Yes, I can."

"On what ground?"

The one eyed man paused. "FBI investigation?"

Hijikata snorted. How could he not? That was ridiculous. And before he knew it, there was an ID shoved into his face.

"Is that fake?"

The shorter man glared and threw up his hands. "Why does everyone ask that?"

"Because you're short?" He couldn't help it. The guy was practically begging for it.

"What the fuck?" Takasugi demanded. He looked like he was going to start a fistfight. Or maybe pull out a gun.

"Takasugi. back off. And you need better lies, you can't just say FBI investigation every time you don't have an excuse. And Hijikata, don't," Gintoki tugged at Hijikata's jacket. Mostly because that was the only part that he could reach from behind the counter.

"Is he a friend of yours?" Hijikata turned back, glowering at the barista.

The white haired raised his hands, placating. "I didn't introduce him to you."

"He's bothering you, isn't he?" Takasugi demanded again. Everything the man said seemed to be demanded.

"He's a customer," Gintoki sighed exasperatedly. "You can't always come and ask my customers to leave just because I complained a bit. And you're getting this all wrong."

"You complained about me?" Toushirou asked incredulously. The other winced.

"I'll explain later." Hijikata fumed at the response.

"I'm not driving anyone out. I'm just asking him to step out because I'm doing an investigation," the shorter insisted.

"Investigation on what?" Gintoki snorted.

"Isn't that an abuse of power?" Hijikata chimed in because fuck it, if the guy was going to make him late for work, he should at least get a few well-placed jabs in.

" _Anyway_ ," the white haired said meaningfully. "Tama, hand Hijikata his coffee. Takasugi, you're welcome to order a cup but otherwise, please leave. You're disturbing other customers."

Takasugi scowled. "I'm not bothering anyone."

"Uh-huh, that's what you said last time too. And you drove away Zenzou. Though that's a totally different situation."

"He was bothering you, just like this guy is right now."

"He was a customer, just like this guy is right now."

"He got his coffee. You're not serving him anymore."

"So was Zenzou when he left and decided not to come back."

"Zenzou had hemorrhoids!"

Hijikata decided that was his cue to leave, lest the conversation turned into a weird direction like it tend to do with Gintoki.

* * *

"You need better friends."

"And _I_ think you need to vary your ties a bit, but I'm not complaining."

Hijikata glanced down. "What's wrong with my ties?"

"They're all black."

"So?"

"They're boring," Gintoki rolled his eyes and took the money.

The dark haired huffed. His ties were not boring. They were classic.

"Is Takasugi really a FBI agent?"

The other shrugged. "Eh, I'm not exactly sure on that front. I _think_ he is, since he carries that thing around for about… five or six years? And he does disappear sometimes. But he refuses to tell me any details and he's a terrible liar sometimes… though now that I think about it, he _could_ be pretending… and sometimes he seems to be working other jobs so…."

"You don't even know what kind of work your friend does?"

"Well," he started slowly. "I mean, we've been friends since elementary – or wait, was it middle school?" Gintoki tilted his head as he tried to remember. Hijikata tried not to be reminded of a puppy. "No, no, middle school was Sakamoto. Takasugi definitely came during elementary."

"You've been friends with him since elementary and you don't even know what job the guy has?" he asked incredulously. "Also, not sure why you're friends with an asshole like him."

"Hey, you know what they say. When in doubt, take a precaution of a short friend." He paused. "And also a friend with a duck."

"There is no saying like that," Toushirou stared hard at Gintoki, like that would make the barista take back the ridiculous thing he said. It went unnoticed as the other man ducked his head to count the change.

"I know. I made it up because I'm so creative like that." The other actually had the nerve to grin at him.

"Do you even know what Katsura does then?"

"Oh! I know this one. He runs a noodle shop… I think." The white haired sounded too unsure. "He used to be a professional Mario and a politician, though."

What the fuck was a professional Mario? Toushirou decided to ignore that though, since he felt that it was better for his sanity. "A politician?"

"Yup. There were a few others like a host and a plumber – no wait, that's part of professional Mario. He changes jobs pretty quickly so I lose track often."

"What about Sakamoto?"

"Pilot. Though he always get airsick so I'm not sure why." Hijikata suddenly feared for the passengers on Sakatmoto's plane.

"Although, he always insisted he was a businessman," Gintoki added thoughtfully. "So sometimes, I think he might be doing illegal stuff. But then Takasugi's also pretty shady with his FBI stuff… honestly those three give me headaches. I'm not even sure why I'm still friends with them."

"…you need better friends. And you also need to _be_ a better friend," Toushirou told him bluntly. He wondered, despite Gintoki's claims, if the other seriously considered him as a friend. And if he remembered anything about him, aside for his coffee order.

"Pssh. It's not like they remember what I do either. There was this one time, Sakamoto kept bothering the supermarket that I worked in."

"So? Friends can be annoying." Though if Toushirou had friends like that, he'd probably avoid them for life.

"No, no. The idiot kept dropping in the shop and asking for discounts and calling for me _after_ I quit the job for two months already. And he annoyed them sporadically for five months until the manager called me to tell him to fuck off."

Seeing the dark haired's dumbfounded look, Gintoki continued, "And Takasugi kept sending Yakult in bulk to my last address and didn't realize I had moved for eight months already. Obviously the new owners of the place enjoyed a hell lot of Yakult."

Hijikata stared at him, even as he accepted his coffee. Were there even friends who could be this aloof to each other? And yet still maintain friendship.

Toushirou himself was pretty oblivious with relationships but it wasn't to _this_ extent. Come to think of it, does Gintoki even know what he did?

Did _he_ even know anything about Gintoki? Aside from his job.

"Do I even need to go on?" Gintoki raised a brow in challenge.

"You need better friends," Hijikata told him with an air of finality.

* * *

Hijikata knew ordering pastries was a horrible idea. It was just a gut feeling, the same tugging feeling he got when Sougo was about to put laxatives in his drink, but he ignored the feeling and went to the counter anyway.

He should've trusted his intuition.

When Toushirou got the counter, the redhead was taking the orders. She was chewing – no, _smacking_ gum and when he approached, squinted at him.

Hijikata wondered if she needed glasses. Or if she was just being an ass. Probably the latter. Half the employees here were an ass.

He should seriously consider changing coffee shops.

"A slice of cake, please," he ordered in his most neutral voice. Something told him that if he were to show inclination to… _anything_ , it would be the wrong move.

"What kind of cake?" the girl popped her gum. Without looking, she smashed her elbow on something below the counter.

There was a curse coming from a very familiar voice. Sougo came up, clutching his head and still spewing expletives.

Hijikata was impressed. Not many people could one up Sougo. But more importantly, why was no one objecting to his presence behind the counters? Was he allowed?

That thought was worrying in itself and he stopped to ponder the pros and cons of having Sougo behind the counter, which was probably why he didn't see the brick coming.

His last thought before passing out was, _'Having Sougo behind the counter was all cons, at least for Toushirou.'_

* * *

 _Since you guys really wanted it, here. He gets hit in the face. Also, I wasn't sure what I wanted to happen next so this a cliffy. XD_

 _This will go on for a bit longer, since I want it to be a bit slow and I accidentally made Hijikata really dense. He can't suddenly pick up on hints now, can he? Also, I have nothing against short people - mostly because I'm one of them too. I could never figure out why 170 cm is considered short really... that's like 20 cm taller than me so..._

 _Anyway, thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed it! Feedback is always appreciated. (And if you want some character to show up aside from the usual cast, feel free to let me know. I'll see if I can work it in.)_


	7. Chapter 7

Hijikata woke up in the back room to the sound of eight voices talking at once. Or what sounded like eight voices. In reality, it was only four voices with a very weird pounding in his head that made him hear things.

Main point was, the voices were all loud and saying different things – annoying, that's what they were. It was hard to see who was talking from his position on the lounge couch.

"Oh, look. Our ugly Sleeping Beauty woke up." That was Sougo, wasn't it? The dry comment definitely sounded like him.

"Oh my god, do you think we'll get sued? For assault? Our shop could get closed down! Kagura-chan, what were you thinking?!" The panicked voice sure was a mother hen. Hijikata turned towards the sound and was surprised to see a pair of floating spectacles.

Huh?

He squinted, despite the action sending a sharp pain through his brain, and oh, nope – there was a person behind the glasses: Shinpachi.

He wouldn't be surprised if there were floating glasses though. After seeing Catherine and the deceptive smile of Otae, not to mention the weird conversations held in this shop, he was sure there was nothing he could be surprised of.

"Chill, Pachi. He'll be fine. Besides this was Gin-chan's idea, yes?" There was a smack. Toushirou guessed that it was Kagura. "So, Gin-chan will cover the damage fees."

Come to think of it, why did he black out?

"Oi, oi, Ka-chan! Damage fees? How can I cover _those_ damage fees? I can't pay for brain damage!" An even more panicked voice intruded his thoughts. Hijikata scrunched his eyebrows, trying to decipher the rapid onslaught of words.

"Moreover, what if the other customers saw this? Do you even know how this could damage our reputation? I mean, I feel like there's been less customers lately and if word gets out that people can get hit by a brick here – " Hijikata caught a glimpse of what looked like jazz hands and familiar forearms – "how can we save ourselves?!"

"Boss, you don't know if people will leave because they could get hit by a brick here. Who knows, there could even be more customers because of this."

"I'm not trying to attract masochists here! I'm not like you, Sofa-kun!"

"It's Sougo."

Toushirou decided to give a groan, mostly to alert the others he was still here rather than out of pain. There was a pair of hands helping him up, but otherwise, the others stood arguing.

"What Gin-chan said is right, uh-huh. I'm not like you, Sadist. I don't like hitting people."

Yup, he guessed right. That was the China girl.

She gave Sougo a smack that contradicted her words. But Hijikata figured this was Sougo, so he probably deserved that.

"Do you even know what the old hag will do to me?! If our shop loses customers?! How am I going to explain why this dumbass here," Gintoki pointed towards Hijikata, "got hit by this dumbass _here_?" This time he pointed towards Kagura.

Of course Gintoki was worrying more about his job.

"I wouldn't call the person who got hit by an unidentifiable object a 'dumbass." Hijikata scowled at the white haired. The bespectacled boy rushed to help him sit up.

Asshats, that's what they were. The whole shop was filled with them.

"You got hit by a brick," Shinpachi added helpfully. Or unhelpfully.

Why the hell would anyone hit another person by a brick?! Unless they were going for attempted murder…

Still, Toushirou nodded his thanks to the boy for helping him up, unlike the others.

"It was Gin-chan's idea!" the redhead immediately shoved the blame. "I was only trying to help since he didn't have the guts to exe – exec - executive the plan."

"I only watched you black out," Sougo added his two cents. Hijikata scoffed back at him.

"What my fault?! What 'I only watched to you black out?'" Gintoki cried out, dramatically clutching his hair. It was a little too loud for Hijikata's taste right now. "You two were partners in crime! It wasn't even my idea, it was Zura's!"

"What happened?" Toushirou asked Shinpachi since he seemed like the only sane one here.

"Um… you got hit by a brick?" the boy nervously repeated the same thing.

"… _why?_ "

"Um… well… it was just an idea that Katsura-san brought up during his last visit. That if we – " the way the boy's eyes flickered from side to side made Hijikata doubt him.

"That if you hit someone with a brick, they'll suddenly realize something profound," Sougo cut through. And Toushirou was a fool twice over if he was to believe anything _that one_ said.

Still, that was probably the only explanation he was getting out of this group.

"And you thought that I would be a good test subject?" he turned his gaze towards the girl.

She shuffled her feet and mumbled, "More like the _only_ test subject."

Sougo smacked her on the back of her head. And the girl actually turned to _hiss_ at the Okita.

Toushirou gave up trying to understand what was really going and decided to give the most reasonable question he could think of right now. "Why do you have a brick under the counter?"

"Katsura/Zura gave it to us," they all chorused, like that was the most obvious reason.

Again, asshats, the whole lot of them.

Hijikata groaned.

"It's true," Gintoki said defensively. "Zura came in at noon today to give us the brick."

"Inexplicably? Just like that? He just gave you the brick and left?"

"Leader told me to use it well," Kagura offered. Hijikata wished she stopped talking so he could make sense of things faster.

"Katsura-san is… unpredictable sometimes," Shinpachi explained.

"Let me get this straight. Katsura gave you guys the brick and told you his weird hypothesis, which can't even be _considered_ an idea," he paused, "and you just decided to test it out? On me?"

"To be fair, I told Shinpachi to go buy a fake brick at the costume shop in the area and replace the real one with it," Gintoki pursed his lips as he glared at the bespectacled boy.

"And I did!" Shinpachi defended himself. "I remembered that I took the real one and hid it behind this very couch! And I placed the fake one under the counter."

"I switched the fake one with the real one," Sougo raised a hand as he confessed.

"What?!" Gintoki shouted.

Hijikata couldn't even be bothered. What did he expect from the sandy-haired? One day, he was going to personally throttle the boy.

But that day was going to be one when his head felt less like it was being jackhammered.

"Anyway," Shinpachi announced, too loud for Hijikata's injured head. "Come on, guys. One, two, thr – "

"We're very sorry for the trouble we've caused!" the rest of them chorused.

"Guys! We do it _after_ the three!" the bespectacled boy cried, outraged.

"Patsuan, who the hell does it after three?" Gintoki picked his nose with his pinky. Fuck, and this was Hijikata's barista for, what was it now? Two months? Two and a half?

Toushirou suddenly wished he was knocked out again, mainly so that he wouldn't have to even look at them.

* * *

Hijikata avoided the redhead and Sougo for the next two weeks. In that time, he made sure Gintoki had washed his hand before he made the coffee. He was still doubtful about Gintoki's hands, though.

The doubtfulness made him notice the white haired's hands more. They were big hands with long nimble fingers. Strong looking hands. And he noticed that it looked a bit rougher than it should, considering Gintoki was making coffee and taking orders all day.

Toushirou wondered what kind of jobs Gintoki did before. Being a cashier shouldn't cause callouses.

It was during one of these pondering sessions that Shinpachi caught him.

Well, not caught him, per say. More like sat in the empty chair in front of Hijikata during the boy's break.

"I'm really sorry about the incident," Shinpachi started.

Everyone in the shop knew about it. Kondo-san knew about it. Toushirou was pretty sure the old lady and her dozen cats two floors down in his building knew about it. Mostly because of Sougo.

They don't talk about the incident any more. At least not to his face.

"I'm lucky my nose wasn't broken."

Shinpachi sighed, sounding a lot older than he was. Probably a side effect of being with Ginotki and Kagura too long.

"I'm just going to go straight to the point. But please don't hate Gin-san for that."

Hijikata scrunched his brows. "I don't hate Gintoki?"

"I know. I figured, since you didn't report us or stop coming here." The boy ran his hand through his hair tiredly. The older mentally made a note to ask the white haired about the boy. It would do no good to anyone if the boy was overworked.

"I mean, you've been avoiding Kagura and Okita-kun. That's understandable. But I would appreciate if you didn't do that to Gin-san."

"I'm not, though?" He wasn't right? Besides, he doubted the white haired would even notice. Look how he treated his friends.

"I – Yeah, it's good that you're not," Shinpachi nodded to himself, making a pained face as if he wanted to say something else. "Just – it's just that he cares a lot, you know?"

"Uh-huh," Hijikata replied, mostly because he wasn't sure what else to say. He's pretty Gintoki wasn't agonizing over Hijikata. Maybe over his job and losing his job because of a certain incident, but not _Hijikata._

The bespectacled boy looked at him, brown eyes serious. "He's really serious about this, you know? He's not just playing around, so I hope you understand and trus – " he stopped himself abruptly, again making that pained expression. "I hope that you will – you'll forgive him for the incident."

"I'm still buying coffee from here," Toushirou pointed out. If that didn't scream 'forgive you for hitting me with a brick', then he didn't know what it said. Aside from 'I really like your coffee.'

Except he didn't. This was the fifteenth best coffee.

"I know." Shinpachi stared at the clock, as if wishing it would go slower and his break could be longer.

"Gintoki's forgiven," Hijikata said to fill the silence.

The boy sighed that aging sigh. "Right. I forgot what Gin-san told me about you."

"What did he tell you?"

"That you're extremely de – " he grimaced and glared at Hijikata as if his slip up was the older's fault. "Never mind."

Toushirou frowned. Extremely de? What was 'de'? Deaf? Or was it one of those new terms that popped up on the internet? What was it again – de – dem - derp! Derp?

What was a derp? Was _he_ a derp? Because he wasn't deaf, that's for sure.

"My break's over," Shinpachi announced as he stood up abruptly.

"Alright. See ya."

Hijikata went back to his fifteenth best coffee and pile of work. Before he could be fully immersed in work again, he heard a quiet whisper from the boy's direction, "I just want him to be happy."

* * *

 _Yup, Hijikata still doesn't get it. Just wanted Gintoki's kids to look out for him too._

 _Hope you enjoyed the chapter and thanks for reading! Feedback is always appreciated._


	8. Chapter 8

Hijikata thought about Shinpachi's sentence a lot. Though he didn't want to admit it, that short conversation had fucked him up.

Bad.

Shinpachi obviously knew something about Gintoki. Maybe the barista was acting strange? Strange enough to worry the sensible boy.

And what was up with that last sentence? Who was the boy talking about? Gintoki? Or Toushirou?

That wouldn't make sense at all, so it obviously had to be Gintoki. Was Gintoki not happy?

"Mr. Bangs!"

No, no. That didn't seem like it. The man was literally shitting out happy pills.

"Deadfish eyes."

"Ouch. Go easy on the eyes." Then he laughed at his own pun. "Get it? Easy on the – "

"Yeah, I got it. It was terrible." Yeah, there was no way this guy wasn't happy. Not with puns this atrocious.

"Ouch. Hurts right there," Gintoki pointed to his chest.

* * *

The next day, he was feeling horrible. His muscles ached and he felt like he had a stomachache. He had no appetite and actually dreaded work, something he never felt.

It wasn't like he had a hangover. He didn't drink last night, did he?

No, he couldn't have. It was only Wednesday. And he never drank on a weekday, save Friday.

Hijikata trudged his way to the shop. Maybe caffeine will help.

He entered the shop and scanned the menu as he waited in line. He looked over at the pastries section, which had upgraded to more varieties of cake.

"Hijipakour Tanuki-kun!" Gintoki greeted and grabbed a cup.

Toushirou made a split second decision. "Get me a latte, Gecko."

The other man stopped and stared. He set the up down and reached his arm out. Hijkata flinched.

"Are you sick?" The back of Gintoki's hand paused at the dark haired's forehead. "Are you drunk? Did a clone replace you?"

"Wha – No! I – " he swatted the other's hand away. "What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? The real question should what's wrong with YOU?!"

"Wha – nothing's wrong with me! I just asked for a latte?"

At that, the white haired nodded like he made his point very clear. "See? You ordered a latte." He leaned in to stare down Hijikata, then he whispered, "You don't like milk in general."

Gintoki remembered that?

Toushirou blushed and took a step backwards. "When – " he started. Then he changed his mind, coughing and turning his head to the side. "When did you have red eyes? Are they contacts? Is that even healthy?"

Now it was Gintoki's turn to look confused. "My eyes? They've always been this red color. You seriously never noticed? Also, don't try to change the subject."

Hijikata adamantly stared at a spot above Gintoki's head. "Nope, I've never noticed that your eyes were red."

The white haired narrowed his eyes. "You don't like milk in general."

"Is it always your policy to question the customer's order? I don't think this is how ordering coffee is supposed to go."

"It's not. But you don't like milk in general. And here you are, ordering a latte."

"Don't be nosey and just write down the order."

"You don't like milk in general." Was that even legal? To use his own words against him and pretend it's a sound argument?

"You know my coffee order, not my story. Just leave me alone."

Gintoki blinked then picked up the cup. "Okay. But I really think you should take a rest. That's all I'm going to say. If you wanna go to work with your latte, that's fine. None of my business."

"Good," Hijikata grunted.

* * *

"I'm only here because everyone's been on my case about not apologizing properly," the redhead immediately announced as she sat down in front of him.

Hijikata seriously wished the shop's employees stopped approaching him during their breaks. First Shinpachi and now her. Who's next? Tama?

"Well then, let's just pretend you gave me an apology. You can leave now," he snapped. He hadn't been in a good mood since morning. The headache was still there.

The girl glared at him with such intensity, Toushirou faltered. He immediately felt bad for snapping at her.

But he still wished she would leave.

"Look, you obviously are not in a good mood," she started.

"Obviously," he snorted.

"But that doesn't give you the left – "

"It's right. The right."

" – to snap at anyone who talks to you."

Hijikata rolled his eyes. Did she want an apology? Even after the whole brick incident?

Well, if that's what it took to get her to leave. He didn't care if their whole relationship was based on fake apologies. Not that he and this girl had a relationship.

He and Gintoki didn't even have one.

"Gin-chan was just worried about you, you know. You shouldn't have snapped at him. It wasn't even a big dual, yes? You're so touch – " she continued.

"You mean, deal?"

"You know what I mean, Shitty Bangs!"

"Look I'm – " he paused, trying to make sense of what she said through the head-pounding. Was this a side effect of staying near the person who slammed a brick onto his head? "What did you say?"

"Um, Shitty Ba– "

"No, no. The one before."

"Gin-chan was just worried and you're a jerk for snapping at him for such a small thing?"

"Yes that." Didn't that happen in the morning? How did she know about this? "How did you know about what happened in the morning?"

Was Gintoki always complaining about him behind his back? Is that why everyone seemed to know every little thing that happened during their interactions? Was Gintoki a gossiping middle-aged woman in disguise?

"Tama told Catherine and Catherine basically shouted it from the rooftops." She smacked her gum.

"Huh?"

"I honestly don't get what Gin-chan sees in this guy," she huffed. "Tama. Catherine. Talk." She made a little gesture. "Catherine – "

Hijikata glared. "I get it. Catherine blabbed to everyone."

At least it wasn't Gintoki.

She slammed her hand on the table. "Look, all I know is you were mean to Gin-chan this morning. And now, he's all sad and mopey."

"No, he's not." Toushirou glanced over to the other side of the café, where Gintoki was attending to a customer. Said man noticed and waved back enthusiastically, almost smacking Shinpachi in the face.

Yeah, definitely not.

Blue eyes glared at him again. "Can't you see he's just on auto- autonomy – wait, no, auto – "

"Automatic? Autopilot?"

"Yeah, that. And, just now, you didn't even wave back to him. He's probably going to go home and cry himself to sleep because of – "

"I don't need to wave back to him," he told her bluntly.

"You didn't even see him during the afternoon!"

"Yeah, 'cause I had work."

"I came in for my shift and Gin-chan's just – " she made a helpless gesture. "Even Sadaharu doesn't get this sad when I get mad at him!"

Hijikata scowled. What does this even have to do with her? This was between Gintoki and him.

"Look, I don't know what a Sadaharu is but – "

"Sadaharu's a dog!" she stood up abruptly, almost upsetting his cup. "Sadist was right. You really are a dumb, good-for-nothing nimcolpoo!" Kagura gave him one last glare and strode off with her head held high.

Hijikata groaned, resting his head in his hands. This was it. This was the way he was going to die.

That girl and Sougo would team up and they'd just plot to kill him with mouse poison or something. And Gintoki would do nothing to stop them because he was too busy being sad or whatever he was being weird about.

Still, he muttered, "It's nincompoop."

* * *

 _I'm trying to finish this before school opens so I'll try to update faster. No promises though! XD_

 _Thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed it! Feedback is always appreciated._


	9. Chapter 9

Gintoki was right. He should've taken a break yesterday. Because today, he had a 40 degree fever and felt like he was melting.

He stumbled out of bed and searched the cabinets for some cold medicine. He'll take some of these and head to work. A little cold shouldn't disturb his work.

Hijikata cursed when he saw the time. He was late. He better call Kondo-san to notify him.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Toushi! Why do you sound terrible?"

"It's nothing. Just a little cold, Kondo-san. Anyway, I'm going to be late 'cause I overslept. Sor – " Hijikata cut himself off as he coughed his lungs out.

"Toushi! You seriously sound terrible. Don't come to work. Stay at home and rest for a bit. If I have time, I'll drop by to check on you, alright?"

"But – "

The phone line went dead. Damn it! This wasn't what he wanted.

As his vision spun, he laid down on the couch. In a little while, he was asleep.

* * *

Gintoki fumbled with the cups for the umpteenth time that day.

"Gin-chan, are you sure you're fine? Are you sick?" Kagura frowned over at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just – just distracted, I guess."

"Gintoki-sama, you've been distracted since the morning. I think it would be best if you took a rest." Tama gently nudged him in the side. "I'll handle the counter."

"Gin-san, why're you so distracted today, though?" Shinpachi asked as he got out a slice of cake.

"Nothing! It's just – it feels weird? Like something's off? Aah, I think I'm going crazy here." Gintoki scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Gintoki, you've been no help today. If you're going to be like this, you can take a hike," Otose gestured to the door. When did she even appear behind him?

"Oi, old hag. Are you kicking me out?"

"Take the day off. Go home and sleep or eat parfaits, whatever it is that you do. Come back tomorrow with a sane mind, you perm head."

Gintoki sulked but did as he was told. It would do no good to hang around here when he was this distracted. "No one appreciates a natural perm," he muttered to himself as he took off his apron.

As he left, he saw the figure of the gorilla – the one that was always disturbing the shop with his lovesick nonsense for Otae. He didn't see any V-bangs today.

* * *

This week was possibly the worst week ever. Not only did he get sick and miss a day of work, the phone call came.

It was Friday and he had been home since Kondo-san insisted Toushirou stayed home. He was definitely feeling better that day. His voice still sounded a bit nasally.

He got up around 8:30 and had made himself eggs and sausages, something he hadn't eaten in a while. Then he made himself coffee.

Hijikata lazed around until noon when he ordered take out from a nearby shop. It was when he was waiting for the food that the call came.

The call was from his half-brother's wife.

"Toushirou! Thank god you picked up!"

"What's wrong?" His voice sounded like he hadn't had a drink in forever. Felt like it, too.

"I-It's Tamegoro!"

Toushirou started, almost falling out the couch. "What happened? What's wrong with him?"

"He-he just collapsed a-a while a-ago. I'm at the hospital right now b-but –" she hiccupped out.

"But what?" Hijikata all but growled.

He heard his sister-in-law took a deep breath. "We're not sure what's wrong with him. He just suddenly collapsed. The results haven't come out yet. Bu-But, they say that if things go smoothly, Tamegoro should be able to wake up by tomorrow."

It was clear from her voice that she thought the opposite. Tamegoro might never wake up.

She gave him the address of the hospital and he could come by if he wished.

By then, Hijikata had already half tuned her out. His mind was reeling as he paced around his apartment.

The hospital was too far. Going over would definitely take more than a day. So he can't go today. He'll set out early tomorrow.

But… what if she was right? What if Tamegoro never woke up from this? What was he going to do if the only person he considered family was gone? Was it even acceptable to go visit? Was _he_ considered immediate family? Would he even be granted access to the room?

If Tamegoro was gone, did that mean he cut ties with his family already? His half-brother was the only one bothering to maintain contact with Hijikata.

The food came and he paid in a daze. Hijikata tried to eat but only managed a few bites before he pushed the food aside.

He sat on the couch for a while, pondering the worst case scenarios. When he left the room, it was already five in the evening.

* * *

Gintoki looked up as the bell rang and a dark haired man staggered in at 10 pm. "Ah, excuse me? We're not open anymore." He should've locked the door, he thought to himself.

The white haired sighed and stood to shoo the other man out. However, he stopped when he finally saw who it was.

"Hijikata?"

"Gi – Ginto- Gintoooookkiiii," the drunk man hiccupped, looking up with flushed cheeks. He really stank of alcohol.

"Hijikata! What's up with you? Why are you dead drunk and coming here at 10?" Gintoki quickly crossed the room to help the dark haired to one of the tables.

Hijikata looked at the barista unfocusedly and tilted his head. He frowned. "Dunno. Didn't – didn't know where to gooooo."

"Oh." The white haired hesitated, "Are you okay?"

The drunk tilted his head like he couldn't comprehend the question. "No?"

"So, no right?" Gintoki asked again, slowly. Of course he wouldn't be fine. Hijikata wasn't someone to get dead drunk without a reason. "Do you want to talk about?"

Toushirou chewed his lips for a moment. "Nooo?"

"Do you want me to take you home?"

"Nooooo…"

The white haired nodded. "Alright, you don't want to go home. So…." He stared at Hijikata, like all the answers could be found on his face. Or maybe in his bangs.

Hijikata stared back with unfocused eyes.

"Why don't we do it this way? I need to lock up the shop and obviously I can't leave you here. We could go to my place – it's a short walk from here. Then, you can sober up, mostly because I ran out of booze last week and haven't stocked up. Otherwise, you're more than welcome to even more drunk."

The other stayed quiet. He continued, "If you feel like opening up, feel free to do so. But you're also more than welcome to stay quiet and watch a movie with me. You get any of it?"

Hijikata blinked. Then he giggled. "You're taking me home with you?"

Gintoki paused to reflect on the words. "Well… not in that sense, but mostly, yes. You're coming home with me."

The dark haired leaned closer, balancing his head on one hand. "What if I don't want to come home with you?"

Was drunk-Hijikata trying to flirt? "Then you don't have to. I can ask the old hag to let you rest. She lives upstairs so I'll take you there. Then I'll go home by myself."

"Oh." Hijikata frowned as his elbow slipped off the table. "You're – hic – n-no fuuunn."

'Says the man who always looked like he got a stick up his ass,' the white haired thought to himself.

"It's okaaay. I'll go with you. Don't – hic – don't wanna disturb the neighbors."

"Well," Gintoki scratched his head. "Wait here for a bit. I just need to tidy things up a bit and lock up. Then we can go."

"Okay."

* * *

Hijikata leaned heavily on Gintoki's shoulder. They both stumbled through the dark towards the white haired's home.

"It smells like poop."

"Whaat?" Hijikata slurred.

"It smells like poop," the white haired repeated.

The other frowned then said, "That's 'cause there's cat feces over there."

Of course, drunk Hijikata would say 'feces'. "Where?"

"There," he pointed.

And indeed, there was cat poop there.

"Wow, your eyes are good, even when drunk."

Hijikata beamed. Gintoki tried not to think he was cute.

* * *

"Well, make yourself at home," Gintoki gestured to his apartment as he closed the door. Hijikata dragged himself to the blue couch and flopped down. The white haired thought it was a very floppy-flop. No one could out-flop this drunk-Hijikata.

Gintoki got a grunt as a response.

Looks like he was tired already.

He took that as a good sign. "Do you want some herbal tea? Sakamoto gave me this tea from… not sure where it was from but it works wonders for hangovers."

"Hng." Hijikata burrowed himself further into the couch. The barista idly thought blue looked good with the other man.

"I'll take that as a yes." He moved to the kitchen and set about boiling the water. "Hey, if you're going to vomit, give me a warning, yeah? I actually like that couch. The rug is another story though."

There was no response for a while. Then, "Shut up, you're so loud."

Was that a whine?

Gintoki huffed to himself. "Ungrateful."

The rest of the night was quiet. The white haired put on the movie and watched Hijikata more than the movie. The other curled himself and was already snoring through the introduction.

* * *

 _School starts in two days... Ugh. Also sorry about this chapter because I cannot write drunk characters. At all. Like, I'm allergic to alcohol cannot write drunk characters at all bad (that's actually true - I'm allergic to alcohol). But Hijikata needs to be drunk for this so there ya go.  
_

 _Anyway, thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed it. Feedback is always appreciated._


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